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Baseball description: Three ladies are excited about seeing their first baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the ball park. The game is very exciting and they enjoy themselves immensely...mixing Jack Daniel\'s with their soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle is almost empty and the game still has a lot of innings to go. Based on the given information, what inning is it and how many players are on base? Now think! Think some more!! You\'re gonna love this.... Answer: It\'s the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded!
Baseball Heaven? Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?" Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same." They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?" "Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?" Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news." "Gimme the good news first," says Sol. Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven." Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?" Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."
TOP 10 BASEBALL EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX 10. Working the rosin bag 9. Comebacker 8.Charging the mound 7.Riding the pine 6.Jerking one into the seats 5.Coming from behind 4.Doubleheader 3.Going deep in the hole 2.The Big Unit 1.Visiting Busch stadium
Hot Rod Hundley on his biggest thrill: "It was the night Elgin Baylor and I combined for 73 points and Madison Square Garden. Elgin had 71 of them."
George Brett, Hall of Fame third baseman on his former goals, "If I stay healthy, I have a chance to collect three thousand hits and one thousand errors."
We played the worst team in the league last night. Their best breakout play was a face off at center ice.
John Madden: "The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break."
Darrell Johnson, former Seattle Mariners manager on when to change pitchers, "You just listen to the ball and bat come together. They make an awful noise."
Former Oakland A's pitcher Matt Keogh: "Playing for Billy Martin is like being to him. Right now, we're all sleeping on the couch."
Weldon Drew: "We jave a great bunch of outside shooters. Unforetunately all our game are played indoors."
The late Duffy Daugherty: "My only feeling about superstition is that it's unlucky to be behind at the end of the game."
Hall of Fame pitcher Don Sutton, accused of applying a foreign substance, Vaseline, to a baseball: "It's not a foreign substance. It's made right here in the USA."
Lee MacPhail, the late former American League President, recounting a meeting with Earl Weaver, whom he subsequently suspended for three days for abusing umpires: "Earl gave me his version of what happened and asked me not to suspend the umpires."
After watching Roberto Clemente rob the Cardinals of a victory with a fantastic catch, manager Red Schoendienst shook his head. "I don't believe it," he said. "Clemente could never make that play again - not even on instant replay."
Bruce Maher, the 180 pound safety, explains how it feels to tackle tight ends who outweigh him by 50 pounds: "It only hurts when you're conscious."
Alex Johnson, the silent man of the Angels, hit only two hime runs in 1968. By August 1969, he already had 15 homers. "What's the difference this year Alex?" asked a visiting newspaperman. "Thirteen," said Alex.
Jay Leno o Florida's victory in an NCAA men's basketball game, "Florida got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush. UCLA shot so poorly, they got a congratulatory phone call from Dick Cheney."
Vince Lombari, explaining his travelling orders for a night game: "There will be two buses leaving the hotel for the stadium; a 2 p.m. bus for those who need a little extra work and the empty bus that will leave at 5 p.m."
Marvin Barnes, former ABA enigma when told that the team plane would be leaving at 8:30 a.m. local time and arriving back at 8 p.m.: "I'm not getting on no time machine."
Jphn Madden, on the toughness of the Tampa Bay blitz: "They're so tough that after they blitz the QB, they go after his mother and father in the stands."
On the 2006 World Cup - Congratulations to Team USA on those four shots attempted in three games. Four shots? Kobe Bryant takes that many during a time out.
New York Ranger Hall of Famer Rod Gilbert - If hockey fights were fake, you would see me in more of them.
Ozzie Guillen on his problem with catcher A.J. Pierzynski: If you play against him, you hate him. If you play with him, you hate him less.
North Carolina coaching legend Dean Smith: "If you make every game a life-and-death thing, you're going to have problems. You'll be dead a lot."
Florida Marlins manager Jack McKeon after being asked when pitcher Josh Beckett would come off the disabled list and make his next start: "It'll be anywhere from Sunday to Sunday. But I doubt it'ss be Sunday."
Duffy Daugherty, the late Michigan State coaching icon: "Football is not a contact sport. It's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
The late legendary New York sportswriter Dick Young: "Fans are the only ones who really care. There are no free agent fans."
Mike Bianchi on controversial calls by football officials: "A wise old coach once said, ref's are the only guys who can rob you and then get a police escort out of the stadium.'"
Bum Phillips, on his philosophy of football coaching: "It's alright to be called stupid. Just don't go around proving it."
Bob Bassen, former NHL journeyman: "My dream in hockey is to score as many goals this year as Wayne Gretzky scored last week."
Bill Lee, the wildman of baseball pitching, upon announcing that he decided to live until the age of 102: "It was meant to be 105 years, but I couldn't sacrifice beer drinking. So I took three years off my potential."
Hundreds of professional hockey players in our very own nation are locked out, living at well below the seven-figure salary level. And as if that weren't bad enough they could be deprived of their life giving pay for several months, possibly longer, as a result of the lockout situation. But you can help! For only $20,835 a month, about $694.50 a day (that's less than the cost of a large screen projection TV) you can help an NHL player remain economically viable during is time of need. This contribution by no means solves the problem as it barely covers the annual minimum salary, but it's a start, and every little bit will help! Although $700 may not seem like a lot of money to you, to a hockey player it could mean the difference between spending the lockout golfing in Florida or on a Mediterranean cruise. For you, $700 is nothing more than a month's rent, part of your mortgage payment, or half your annual vehicle license renewal, But to a hockey player, $700 will partially replace his daily salary. Your commitment of less than $700 a day will enable a player to buy that home entertainment center, trade in the year-old Lexus for a new Ferrari, or enjoy a weekend in Rio. HOW WILL I KNOW I'M HELPING? Each month, you will receive a complete financial report on the player you sponsor. Detailed information about his stocks, bonds, RRSPs, real estate, and other investment holdings will be mailed to your home. Plus, upon signing up for this program, you will receive an unsigned photo of the player lounging during the lockout on a beach somewhere in the Caribbean (for a signed photo, please include an additional $150). Put the photo on your refrigerator to remind you of other peoples' suffering. HOW WILL HE KNOW I'M HELPING? Your NHL player will be told that he has a SPECIAL FRIEND who just wants to help in a time of need. Although the player won't know your name, he will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special operator in case additional funds are needed for unforeseen expenses. YES, I WANT TO HELP! I would like to sponsor a locked out NHL player. My preference is (check below): [ ] Forward [ ] Defenseman [ ] Goaltender [ ] Entire team (Please call our 900 number to ask for the cost of a specific team; you will be billed $10 per minute) [ ] Jaromir Jagr (Higher cost: $32,000 per day) Please charge the account listed below $694.50 per day for the duration of the lockout. Please send me a picture of the player I have sponsored, along with a Jaromir Jagr 2003 Income Statement and my very own Bob Goodenow (Executive Director of the NHLPA player's union) pin to wear proudly on my hat (include $80 for hat). Your Name: _______________________ Telephone: _______________________ Account #: _______________________ Exp. Date: _______ [ ] MasterCard [ ] Visa [ ] American Express [ ] Other
We were in the final series of our senior men's league championship, best of three, tied 1-1. They had won the first game, throwing a puss-armed junker who shut us down for 9 innings, never breaking 60 MPH. The second game, we blasted them 11-1, with 4 home runs. Our catcher approached their shortstop and asked, "Who are you going to throw in tomorrow night's game?" The response was, "I hope it's Jesus Christ because it's the only chance we have left."
Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-by."
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."
New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: "I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."
One day the devil challenged God to a baseball game. Smiling, God proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here." "Yes," snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires".
A coach was describing the roles of each position on a hockey team to his 6 year old team. When it came to the goalie, the coach asked, "Who knows what the goalie does?" One bright youngster spoke up, "He takes the puck out of the net!"
A man had great tickets for the Stanley Cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley cup final, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup Final we haven't been together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat? The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Boston Bruins hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Montreal Canadiens' jerseys roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Bruins fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Canadiens and the Bruins, but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and your compassion could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one guy answered, "was his Holiness, the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom". "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Now, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"
"Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes!"

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